Leading the Tiny Humans

I'm baaaaaack!!

After taking quite the hiatus from writing blog posts, I took several days to roll over some ideas for this post. After careful deliberation, I’ve decided to go where my heart and mind are right now. I’ve been studying a lot on compassion, connection and love and also the other side of those: shame, guilt and disconnection. This isn’t necessarily an OT topic. But, it’s critical for our families, for our students and for the future of our kids.

Is what We're Doing Good Enough?

It seems obvious, doesn’t it? How to lead children? I mean, seriously. They’re kids. We should have some control, right? But, dang if I haven’t found myself bombing time and time again. Who is this crazy lady that can’t stop yelling?! Correcting, yelling, exasperated sighs, and repeat. Again. And Again. And again. Until the even crazier lady comes out and starts throwing threats and saying stupid things that will be regretted later. Or we show up to work in our classrooms at the start of the day, already frustrated with out of control behaviors and chaos. Sometimes, I wonder if I sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to my kids. “wah wah wah wah wah wahhhhhhh”

I literally walk away sometimes, grumbling "Am I talking at all? Like, out loud? Or am I just thinking these things in my own head??" So, where's the disconnect between my expectations and my tiny human's responses to these? Unfortunately, it's gotten to the place that they really do hear me like Charlie Brown's teacher. I'm simply background noise that they've learned does not actually MEAN anything for consequence or follow through. Maybe it's just me... I kind of really hope not. But maybe? It's my opinion that we can do better. What we're doing is not good enough.

So, what exactly is the problem?

The problem is as complicated as the solution in a lot of ways. If you’re talking about kids that aren’t “yours”, like school kids or kids from a class at church that you’re teaching, behavior is complicated. But it’s safe to assume that most children aren’t misbehaving just to tick us off (even though sometimes it sure feels like it! LOL!).

If you're only concerned with parenting your own children, then you can pretty much be certain that they actually are doing SOME things just to tick you off (bahaha!) and sometimes they're just being kids, doing all the things that are expected developmentally as they explore boundaries, security and trust with their caregivers. Beyond what is considered "normal" childhood behavior however are some things going on with our kids now that might not have been as big of a concerns in prior generations.

Disconnection

Disconnection between parents and kids is huge with the addiction to “devices”. In fact, the Boston Medical Center conducted a recent study that suggests that 73% of parents were observed using mobile device continuously while dining out. And parents in 40 out of 55 of families observed were found to be completely engrossed in their mobile devices, swiping, texting and ignoring their children all together. Pair this with the statistic that indicates that 40% of all meals provided for children are not cooked at home (fast food or eaten out), that's a huge level of disconnect.

Between the addiction to mobile devices and a few decades of both parents working outside of the home, resulting in overworked, overstressed and exhausted parents, parents are more stressed and more disconnected than any generation before us.The reality is that we do live in a tech culture. People desperately want us to remain "connected" and available through social media and text at all times. I'm just as guilty as anyone else about the use of my phone. It's simply a matter of balance and intentionally choosing to give time to our kids on a regular basis.

Trauma

Drug rates are at an all-time high across the entire country but even more so in Ohio. Current research indicates that drug overdoses are the leading cause of death of Americans under the age of 50 with a nearly 20% increase since 2015. This is very troubling. Children are seeing and experiencing things that most of us cannot even begin to imagine.

25% of American children will witness or experience a traumatic experience BEFORE THEY TURN FOUR. 40% of children in the U.S. report of experiencing a physical assault during the past year with 10% receiving an assault-related injury. 14% of children are repeatedly maltreatmented by a caregiver, including nearly 4% experiencing physical abuse. Young children exposed to five or more significant adverse experiences in the first three years of life face a SEVENTY SIX PERCENT likelihood of having one or more delays in language, emotional or brain development. (1)

OMGOSH, you guys. These statistics floor me EVERY SINGLE time I see them. For one, there’s a dang good chance that if you’re a leader of any group of children at all, that you have kids within your direct source of impact that have experienced trauma in one way or another. For two, the impact of trauma does not just mean that kids are sad or depressed or withdrawn. Often the emotional trauma comes out in developmental delays, behavioral outcomes and health concerns. It is critical that we keep these stats in mind to maintain and develop compassion for kids who are dealing with hard stuff.

The problem is hard, what about the solution?

First things first. I'm clearly NOT a parenting expert or a behavior expert. You're welcome to come over to my house at any time and I'll be happy to show you how much of a non-expert I am!! However, I can also assure you that you don't need to be either of these in order to lead children effectively. Also, we have a lot of resources right at our fingertips. We are a generation of quick and accessible insights and resources. We already KNOW these things. We just need to take the time to be intentional about implementing them.

Below I've listed some tips on being great leaders for our children (our own and others that we've been trusted with time and influence over). Much of this information is so nicely discussed in Brene Brown’s books “Daring Greatly” (2012) & “The Gifts of Imperfection” (2010)… If you get time to read, you must read these books. They’re incredible resources. In the meantime, I've summarized a few ideas for you:

1. Show up. Be present. Put the devices down. Make the time you have with your kids sacred. Sacrifice the time you’d spend elsewhere and intentionally choose to be present for your children. They need that connection with you. They need to feel loved, secure and attended to entirely while in your presence. This was a game changer for me at work. Instead of spending time in frustration with parents or teachers or playing the blame game for behavior, I realized that I have 20 minutes a week (on average) to GIVE to this child. This is my time to provide a safe, secure and loving environment. “Sometimes the bravest things you can do is just show up" (Daring Greatly, p. 243)

2. Avoid shaming language. You’re shaping behavior not shaming a person. “We can confront someone about their behaviors… without berating them or putting them down… the key is to separate people from their behaviors- to address what they’re doing, not who they are” (4). HOLY MOLY- parenting a 14 year old can be SO TRYING. Do you even know how many times I've said stupid things that are labeling? Like "you are such a slobbbbbb!!" or after such said instances as above where I've asked over and over and over again, I might say "You are a terrible listener" or "I cannot believe you did that!" **Facepalm** as I realize that I'm forming her IDENTITY and self worth with these criticisms. I mean, REALLY?? I can't believe it? I've done so many more stupid things than anything she's done so far. I really can believe it. Logically, I really think my parenting approaches are much better received when I'm not reacting in frustration but rather, trying to address a behavior that I'd like to see changed. Sounds easy, right?? HELPPPPPPP MEEEEEEE!!! You help me and I'll help you, mmmmmkay??

3. Clearly define expectations and consequences. Children NEED us to hold them accountable for their actions. They rely on us (adults) to be the best source of compassion and acceptance that they know in this world. In order to “practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability” (The Gifts of Imperfection, p. 19). Brene says that her research indicates that the most compassionate people are the most boundaried people. We cannot have one without the other. Kids need to know what the expectations are and the response (consequence) needs to be consistent. Otherwise, we're just kicking ourselves. Please make me stop kicking myself. THIS IS SO HARD with a 3 year old!!

4. Normalize behavior: This one is huge. It’s helps our children (and our partners, friends, family, anyone with a pulse) to separate the THINGS they’ve done with WHO they are. When we are holding children accountable for actions, we can also let them know that these things happen. Give examples of ways you’ve screwed up in a similar way. They are not shamed, not alone. But also not exempt from consequences of behavior either. My little guy, G can be passionate and frustrated and lash out as an expression of frustration. But omgoodness, he's so terribly sensitive to feedback too. He NEEDS to know that it's not ok to lash out at his siblings in frustration but he also needs to know that others struggle with the same thing and that it's completely normal. To learn everyone makes mistakes. He needs to know how to apologize and how to receive forgiveness.

5. Be the example: If we want to teach our children love, compassion, discipline and self-worth, we must be the living example of those things. Practice what you preach, if you will. "You can't claim to care about the welfare of children if you're shaming other parents for the choices they're making (Daring Greatly p. 229). “Worthiness is about love AND belonging, and one of the best ways to show our children that our love for them is unconditional is to make sure they know they belong..." (Daring Greatly, p. 231)

6. Help them identify and cultivate THEIR gifts. This one is my favorite. Isn’t it so easy as parents, to put our children on these measuring sticks of greatness, of comparison to all other children in every area of life? It feels so rewarding to have the smartest, most athletic, kindest, greatest giver, best sibling, and best everything else kid. But what if we chose to highlight their gifts, help them identify the gifts they were uniquely given? And not stress about being the best at all the other stuff? We live in a society that makes it hard to put this measuring stick down but “WHO we are (as parents) and HOW we ENGAGE with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting” (Daring Greatly, p. 243).

7. Give them wings to dare greatly: This is huge too. It’s so tempting to step in and block every hardship, every criticism, all the conflict and every failure that our children will experience. To prevent that quivering lip and the crocodile tears in G's eyes when he's made a mistake. But, these struggles are so valuable for learning boldness, forgiveness, assertion of beliefs and identifying who they are. “If we’re always following our children into the arena, hushing the critics and assuring their victory, they’ll never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own” (Daring Greatly, p. 240).

We want to be the ones on the front lines fighting for these kids, fighting for and encouraging their worth. The best way we can do this is through knowing our own worth and understanding our own darkness so that the compassion, the boundaries, the love and the wings to dare greatly with their own lives are demonstrated genuinely and wholeheartedly with our own.

**Below is Brene Brown's "The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto" which is so, so good. Check it out and let me know what your thoughts are!

(1) JAMA Pediatrics, May 2013 (http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/pdf/05-13%20PED%20childhood%20exposure%20to%20violence.pdf)

(2) Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (http://www.samhsa.gov/children/social_media_apr2011.asp)

(3) Brown, B. (2016). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. London: Penguin Books Ltd.

(4) Brown, B. (2014). The gifts of imperfection: let go of who you think youre supposed to be and embrace who you are. Charleston, SC: Instaread Summaries.