Reflections & Chaos

Sometimes parenting is just hard, ya know? Hands down, one of the most difficult times of day for me are mornings. Knowing that I have responsibilities on the other side of that door, that rely on a timeline and prompt beginnings colliding with littles who have their own timelines and agendas is just… ugh. OMG so. hard. This morning was the crazy of the crazies. It was a typical day for the littles (which is already a difficult ball game) but a certain teen was all teenager-y and forgetful and frustrated and dramatic. My rush and stress was a terrible match for that. I was losing my ever lovin’ mind.

In the midst of frustration and irritation, I was all “Do you have any idea how much this irresponsibility has impacted MY day?” “If you would’ve only taken care of this last night instead of waiting until the last second” “Maybe you should have….” Blah blah blah. It doesn’t really matter. It was all critical and shaming and full of frustration. Some of the things actually got said out loud, some just angrily complaining in my head. All of it was bad enough. Trust me. 

I get in the car, still irritated, problems unresolved and I kept thinking about being the solution (because sometimes motherhood doesn’t leave you much choice. In this case, my child would’ve been sock and shoeless for softball pictures and no one really wants to be THAT kid’s parent, ya know?!) but leaving a little note with “you owe me” or something just to prove a point. (I seriously can’t believe I just admitted that out loud… just whatever. I’m being vulnerable and transparent here. Take your judgements elsewhere LOL!) Anyway, I think God finally got to the point where he was like “ok, I’ve let you have your feelings… it’s time to step in now”. I’m not kidding, some of my most irritating moments come when my self-absorbed, irrational and unproductive temper tantrums are interrupted by that still small voice… (again, don’t judge me I’m just being honest- having a temper tantrum interrupted is just irritating, ok?!)

Does anyone else have this weird way of trying to argue back at first, then taking a deep breath to breathe in that peace and it hits you in a deep, profound way that is simultaneously soothing like a giant hug? This time that still small voice said “When you need me, when you come to me and you ASK me, I am your source. I AM” Yeah yeah yeah I get that. Just whatever. I’m still Pissy Penelope over here. Then it floods me. When I’m in need, when I’m hurting or confused or just suffering consequences from my own actions and I go to Him to ask for his help, never once have I felt berated or questioned or heard “I told you so”. He is my source of peace, of joy, of love, of patience and kindness, of sustenance etc. etc… all things encouraging and life giving with a little conviction on the side. He is the lifter of my head.  I did exactly zero of those this morning. Dang. Conviction is so humbling sometimes.

Long story short, I scooped up my pride with an apology and a solution to the problem. A solution that may have disrupted by day, caused chaos, threw me momentarily off course, but at least I have the opportunity to fulfill those needs (and teach responsibly later... when there is less feeling going on). 

Little by little, I realize that my desire is to reflect the very love, the very kindness and grace and mercy that my Father shows me. I might’ve bombed that this morning, but this doesn’t define me. That’s where grace comes in. My Father created me in his image and loves me as such. The least I can do is to demonstrate that to my kids in the same way. Reflect Him and embrace the chaos. Pray for me in this, will you? And, I’ll pray for you if you’d like. We can do these hard things, mommas. With the right source and the right focus, we really can ❤️